Jealousy, Jealousy those that generate endless fights, insecurities, low self-esteem and worse, destroy relationships. Who wants that from his/her partner? Nobody, right? So, why is it so common to see couples in endless arguments out of jealousy?
Unfortunately, this is a very common feeling and if you are a victim of it, the psychologists Robert L. Leahy and Dennis Tirch published an article in Psychology Today to help you and stop this horrible monster once and for all:
Think Coldly: What do you gain by being Jealous?
When we are jealous, basically we are worried that our partner will find someone more attractive and we fear that he will reject us, so we should think: to be jealous will prevent my partner from leaving me (if he is going to do it?), With my jealousy I will force my couple to give up their interests elsewhere? Is it a strategy to discover what my partner really feels?
We can also think that our jealousy can motivate us to give up the relationship so they do not hurt us anymore. If you feel jealous, it is important to ask yourself what you expect to gain with your jealousy, many times we see them as a coping strategy.
The difference between Feeling Jealous and acting with Jealousy
Just as there is a difference between feeling angry and acting violently, there is a difference between feeling jealous and acting jealously. This subtle but enormous difference is the key since it can save you the scenes, the tantrums, the threats and the dislikes that will only wear away the relationship with your partner.
To achieve this you can stop and tell yourself: “I know I feel jealous, but I do not have to act accordingly.” Keep in mind that jealousy is a feeling inside of you. But you can choose whether you act or not.
This does not mean that you must get rid of what you feel, you just have to be more aware of your emotions and thus be able to control any action accordingly.
Which Option is more Convenient?
First of all, accept and observe your thoughts and feelings of jealousy. When you notice that you feel jealous, take a moment, breathe deeply and slowly, analyze your thoughts and feelings.
Recognize those jealous thoughts are not the same as REALITY. You may think that your partner is interested in someone else, but that does not mean that he really is. Thought and reality are different, this is another infallible key.
Remember that Uncertainty is Part of Relationships
Jealousy seeks certainty, that will tell us if our partner wants or not with that person, wants or not be with us.
But there are those who rush to a crisis and end the relationship to further affirm that certainty, “I better finish it before it ends.”
However, we are forgetting that uncertainty is part of life and we have to learn to accept it. Uncertainty is one of those limitations from which we can not really do anything. We can never know with certainty if our partner will reject us. But if we accuse, demand and punish, we can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Positively Reinforce the Qualities of your Relationship
Why waste the relationship if we can improve it? Ask yourself this every time jealousy invades you since these will not make your relationship safer, on the contrary, you can reinforce it by having a more effective behavior.
This includes becoming more rewarding with one another: like compliments, planning fun experiences, avoiding hurtful criticism and sarcasm.
Remember that jealousy rarely makes relationships safer, the positive is much better.